Blog to Lose

So in my search for a community of people going through the same weight loss journey that I am, I found http://www.blogtolose.com which is an incredible online community of food lovers like myself just wanting to feel healthy and beautiful inside and out. I've been posting daily on BTL which has resulted in me neglecting my blogger. I'm so inspired by Roni and how she's been able to create this community for others to share their experiences, have her own blog site AND GreenLiteBites, an awesome resource for great healthy recipes!

I know it's just a matter of time before she's going to become famous or highlighted on Oprah. It's when I encounter ambitious and motivated people like Roni that makes me feel like I need to do something just as inspiring. I think I need to work on inspiring myself before I can reach to others. Hopefully I'll finally get what I've always wanted... though I learned today that to lose an average of 2lbs a week I need to eat only 1068 calories a day. That seems terribly low... I believe I've only got 460 calories left for today.... looks like it's going to be all veggies for the rest of the day.

Desperation seeking Inspiration

I made the decision to "out" myself today.  For years I have kept my most private thoughts written away by traditional pen and paper.   Now, as I type away well past mid-night (I'm in Israel at the moment... that'll be another post for another day) in front of my MacBook as if I was Carrie Bradshaw (only fatter, shorter, and not quite that blonde) I am hoping that blogging will give me the motivation and inspiration that I need for my life long journey towards achieving the body that I know I should be living in.  I'm 5'2" and 146lbs.  My heaviest was 160, so I guess by having kept that off for over 6 months has been an achievement of sorts.  I hate numbers but these numbers have defined every past journal entry I've ever written... it was never about anything exciting or momentous in my life.  It was always about where my weight was and my ambitions to do something about it.

See, the thing is this:  I actually think I look great when I see myself in the mirror.  I have body dysmorphia just like the anorexics do, except when I see my reflection I think I'm fine the way I am.  This was until just recently when I looked at the pictures my boyfriend took of me on his new SLR that we took to the beach.  Of course, thinking that I looked fine in a two piece suit I was smiling and soaking in the moments of feeling like I was a swimsuit model for sports illustrated.  Excited to see the pics uploaded on the computer I was mortified.  Did I really look THAT big?  How could I have possibly let others see me in all my baggage like THAT?  

See, the other thing is this:  I LOVE FOOD.  I love shopping for food, I love smelling food, I love touching food, I love preparing for meals, and I LOOOVVEE eating food.  Watching portions has been somewhat of an issue, especially when dealing with my most favourite foods (these include almost anything that is fried and/or salty... grease and sodium!! oh yeah!!).  But I also loooovvee eating vegetables and fruit.  I would even be okay with becoming a vegetarian... but I enjoy the taste of chicken and my specialty steaks too much.  Since moving out and living on my own, I've learned to do lots of cooking and absolutely love it.  The kitchen is like a science lab for me... I love experimenting with herbs, spices... I even cook with only olive oil!  

So what's wrong?  What do I need to do to achieve the body that I've always wanted so that when I look at the mirror and look at myself in pictures I will see what I feel all the time?  Why can't fat be pretty?  I guess this is when my journal of "Such a Pretty Fat" begins.....